";s:4:"text";s:29194:"I dont need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning. I am thankful for all the problems I dont have. 26. 154 Short, Positive Affirmations that are Easy to Remember. Every day I become calmer and do more good for the world. 236. 85. They shape our present and have an impact on our future. I wish my wallet came with free refills. Wilson Mizner Im so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed. 187. A perfectly executed joke, said at a right time and at a right place, can change an awkward situation into a comfortable one. 94. 228. If you think nothing is impossible, try slamming a revolving door. I am quite fascinating. 76. We frequently doubt ourselves. If Monday had a face, I would punch it. Since not all of us are blessed with the ability to throw a joke the right way, we thought of helping you out by giving you these ridiculously short funny quotes. Doing nothing is hard, you never know when youre done. But this shouldnt be a problem, as you can come up with your own humorous affirmations. 221. No, but April may. 247. If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else. 188. 171. Dont drink to forget me, youll end up seeing me double. "Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. 207. 158. I believed in Santa Claus for 10 years. I am joyful for achieving the ones I did. Ken Dodd My house was clean yesterday, sorry you missed it. Oh sheet! When and How to Let Them Know, How To Cheer Yourself Up When Feeling Down, 5 Things To Discuss With Your Partner Before Marriage, Funny Positive Affirmations For Self-Esteem, 50+ Powerful Positive Affirmations For Exams, 70+ Positive Affirmations For Teens From Parents. 24. My chins are a stairway to heaven. I will drink my coffee and conquer my day. 141. Im not running away from hard work, Im too lazy to run. 126. All you need is love. 48. Remember: Dont Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river. Today Im going to reach for the stars so that I can air out my armpits., 8. 53. So, why not team them up? I make people laugh, whether its with me or at me. You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart. 226. Not looking at the price tag when Im shopping., 11. - Unknown. Not saying I hate you, but if your face was on fire and I had a glass of water, Id drink it. I thought you said extra fries. Best friends eat your food. Life begins on Friday night. 223. Think about all the things you're struggling with in your life. Get Love Tips Sent Straight To Your Inbox. 32. Im in desperate need of a 6-month vacation, twice a year. 4. My past is just a bad book that deserves to be in the trash., 9. If you think nobody cares if youre alive, try missing a couple of car payments. Rodney Dangerfield, 198. Ive been doing nothing for years. - Catherine Pulsifer. I am finding fun and joy in everything I do and everywhere I go. 104. If Im not there, I go to work. Robert Orben, 4. I'm doing great. I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case were having cake. Bill Murray I am fine. I said yes, which turned out to be the right answer. "If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.". Daily affirmation: your hair is so much better than it was in middle school., 2. To make time fly, throw your watch out the window. What we say not only affects our lives but also has an impact on those around us. Rome wasnt built in a day. 7. 169. He who wakes up early, yawns all day long. Dear universe, I am totally open to all the amazing things coming my way. I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot. I dont know how to act my age because Ive never been this old before. Heres a list of important things to consider: Choosing the perfect affirmation from our list isnt much different. Bill Murray Of course, I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice. Because someone is always sitting on the deck. I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge. 1. Today I will embrace the poop. Awesome things will happen today if you choose not to be miserable., 7. God heals, and the doctor takes the fees. Friday Affirmations. 278. 51. What do you call a bear with no teeth? For the best seat in the house, youll have to move the dog. But sometimes affirmations may not work. Alexa, please clean the negativity off of my mind please. 113. -Gandhi. One thing you need to remember though; if you are going to be funny, then make sure youre actually funny. Always follow your heart, but remember to bring your brain along. 265. Cry a river. 1. Why was six scared of seven? I radiate calmness and tranquility, with a little side of body odor. - Jeffrey Gitomer. I have Alzheimers bulimia, first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke. No matter how bad it gets, Im always rich when I go to the dollar store. Are these genes in your jeans or are you just happy to see me? 260. Choose a job you love and youll never have to work a day in your lifebecause that field isnt hiring. I dont suffer from insanity. 125. 268. If Monday had a face, I would punch it. Envelope. 1. May your yoga pants be stretchy, your coffee be strong and your Wednesday be short., See also: 120 Inspiring Wednesday Morning Blessings To Motivate You. Not everyone has good taste. Whats the best thing about Switzerland? I enjoy every minute of it. Pleasing everyone, thats impossible. 219. 61. 266. All rights reserved. I dont need anger management, you just need to stop making me angry. Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you. A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand. You can simply try out one of our funny options, or think of affirmations that best match your sense of humor. I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldnt complain. can help you become successful in whatever you choose to do in life. Sometimes when I close my eyes, I cant see. Words have the power to make or break us. The chains on my mood swing just snapped. I draw from my inner strength and light. 262. I dont like morning people, or mornings, or people. So with that being said, heres a list of funny affirmations to motivate you to come out of your comedic shell. I personally love watching masters of comedy, Feel free to pick a few of these affirmations and say them to yourself the next time youre. Sincerely, yourself. I intend to live forever. I might go home today, but I will go bigger tomorrow. My imaginary friend thinks he has problems. Alison Boulter. 1. The future is shaped by your dreams, so stop wasting time and go to sleep. 265. Steven Wright, 252. I can't make everyone happy, I'm not tequila. 30. Short people with an umbrella. Dont worry, the spider is smaller than you. You can tune a guitar, but you cant tuna fish. Learn sign language, its very handy. My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry. I now pronounce you man and wife, you may now change your Facebook status. George Burns If Cinderellas shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off? Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking terrible? Today, I choose to put on my positive pants. 121. Dont worry, the spider is smaller than you. The world is missing some pizzazz. I am here to live to the fullest. 82. It can get you out of a tight corner and people who lack a sense of humor cannot do. 167. I crack the right joke at the perfect moment. I focus on breathing and grounding myself. 133. 77. 87. To anybody I hurt this year, I just wanna say you deserve it. Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math. 26. As long as I have friends as weird as me, I have everything. 23. Honolulu, its got everything. My mood swings keep life interesting. Reciting witty affirmations can help you rise above any problems you encounter. Build a bridge. There's value in patting yourself (and your friends) on the back.Positive affirmations are statements that can help brighten your outlook on the world when you say them to yourself regularly or write them down in a journal.While affirmations are no substitute for professional help such as therapy when you're experiencing anxiety or depression, those who swear by the power of uplifting . When you feel terrified (without your safety being in danger): 5. Or maybe, you just love cracking jokes and making people laugh. 5. As a result, youll stay consistent, and with affirmations, consistency is the name of the game. 201. I create my life on a quantum level. The library, because it has so many stories. How do trees access the internet? Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet, miss a car payment. I am thankful for all those difficult people in my life. Wilson Mizner, 262. 215. 2. They say dont try this at home so Im coming over to your house to try it. Because they make up everything. I'm sorry, I have to quickly disable alarm level brown. I am Ananya, a professional speaker and I love motivating people and inspiring them to pursue their dreams. 121. 218. Marriage is like a walk in the park, Jurassic Park. 237. Im sure youve heard a lot about affirmations, what they do and why you should start using them daily. You can use affirmations to alleviate pressure in highly stressful scenarios, like taking an exam or going to a job interview. 270. To put your affirmations into practice, follow these steps. This is a snap. 211. I teach my kids good things in sarcastic ways. Even if youre a skeptic, you must admit these funny affirmations really work. 203. Some people are like clouds. Because their teacher told them it was a piece of cake. Im not here to judge, Im just pointing out all the mistakes youre making. Why is Monday so far from Friday, and Friday so close to Monday? Im in desperate need of a 6-month vacation, twice a year. Never ask a starfish for directions. I am feeling wittier and more naturally funny. You wanna know who Im in love with? "Have a great Wednesday. 21. 103. Excuse me, I need to go be awesome today. Lifes biggest struggle: I need to pee, but I dont want to get out of bed. Envelope. 70. I wonder, do we lazy people go to heaven or do they send someone to pick us up? 49. People who talk behind my back are getting a great view. Pat Sajak, 41. If only common sense were more common. Here are some tips on how to make the most of using these humorous affirmations: Laughter and affirmations are already powerful separately, so imagine what they can do for you when combined. Sam Levenson One thing you need to remember though; if you are going to be funny, then make sure youre actually funny. 217. 3. I dont know, but the flag is a big plus. "Whatever you do, do with all your might.". 22. 233. 143. I am attractive just as I am. We get so worried about being pretty lets be pretty kind, pretty funny, pretty smart, pretty strong., 9. Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. First, the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. 1. 6. 274. What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? Pampered cows produce spoiled milk. When the past comes knocking, dont answer. Never let your best friends get lonely, keep disturbing them. Im old enough to know better, but young enough to do it anyway. 76. 48. Im multitasking: I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time. Whether youre saying the affirmations aloud or writing them down, laughing along will only strengthen their effect. I believe we should all pay our tax bill with a smile. 154. 114. Milton Berle, 245. "May your yoga pants be stretchy, your coffee be strong and your Wednesday be short.". You may think youll never get over it, but you will, and youll be fine., 7. I am healthy, I am wealthy, I am hot!, 14. This is because, in order to be funny, there are certain details that need to be perfectly delivered. Education cost money. What is Mozart doing right now? Be kinder with yourself and change your thoughts for better health (physically and emotionally). 'Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.'. A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find, lucky to have. 163. This is because, in order to be funny, there are certain details that need to be perfectly delivered. Give me a photo of you so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas. I tried, but they wanted cash. I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge. Enjoy! 120. Check out our funny affirmations selection for the very best in unique or custom, handmade pieces from our encouragement cards shops. 5. 80 Soren Kierkegaard Quotes On Love, Life And Philosophy, Top 90 Martin Luther King Jr. Pardon me, I have 6 pounds of boneless mass to get rid of. 213. Some people are like clouds. Well, I guess I have to be odd to be number one. Bill Murray, 257. Then perhaps youd find value in these articles on how to write affirmations and the benefits of affirmations. I dont know how to act my age because Ive never been this old before. Your life is your message to the world. If you want to catch a squirrel just climb a tree and act like a nut. 225. Im not here to judge, Im just pointing out all the mistakes youre making. Funny affirmations youll find here will boost your confidence and make you laugh. Microchips. Im not weird, Im just limited edition. Amidst all the stress, anxiety and worries, a smile can help you brighten your day. Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. 199. When I was in high school I had two favorite subjects, lunch and recess. 99. You can stop driving me crazy, I can walk from here. "Once you choose hope, anything's possible.". Over time, when you use these affirmations, your mind begins to equate new words with weight loss. Edward A. Murphy When I was in high school I had two favorite subjects, lunch and recess. I love myself, which is why I dont need to love the idea of other people loving me., 12. 101. I should have theme music every time I enter a room. Short Positive Affirmations "I Am" Affirmations. Youre born free, then youre taxed to death. 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Friends come and go, but enemies remain and build up. 123. My six pack is protected by a layer of fat. 127. 203. You may have people laugh at you instead of with you. I am confused between what I like the most hanging out or posting that I hung out. Art doesnt transform. I woke up with some aches and pains, but I woke up. Im multitasking: I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time. Its okay, he woke up. 127. I enjoy taking long romantic walks, to the fridge. Dont worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet. My funny vibes attract my funny tribe., 3. Albert Einstein. 208. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools. The great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one. Life is always rocky when youre a gem. To conclude this list of funny affirmations, heres a few that are specifically focused around work. In between, I am alive. I would have appreciated exams if they had allowed our Pokemons and Ninjas. Mind blown! Remember, What consumes your mind, controls your life., 7. 124. 47. You know you are lazy when you get excited about canceling your plans. What did one ocean say to the other ocean? 58. You can write them down and use them whenever youre attending a social event or if you simply just want to make yourself laugh. 100. It changes your perception and these short positive affirmations have a way of changing the way you look at yourself and feel more confident. I can engage in small acts of kindness to uplift other people. Ive got three bones. I am way dumb than my mom keeps blabbering about me to the neighbors aunt. Paul Ehrlich 95. Who says nothing is impossible? But a little chocolate now and then doesnt hurt. Youre talking to yourself. You never know what you have, until you clean your closet. Today, I acknowledge the time I have spent over the week. My to-do list doesnt include dealing with negative people., 5. Youre just gonna feel embarrassed for a minute or two and then it will be over. You never run out of things that can go wrong. When nothing is going right, go left. Im going to stand outside, so if anybody asks for me, Im outstanding. Let these funny affirmation quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day. 93. "Who you are inside is what helps you make and do everything in life". Life is always rocky when youre a gem. Its okay if people dont like me. Ive made it from the bed to the couch. 109. Its called tomorrow. I am too lazy to be lazy. I am here not to compete because I know I am neither the fastest nor the smartest. Everyone brings happiness to this office. We have a connection. Wake up and smell the birdshit on your windshield., 10. 19. What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? Seeing a spider in my room isnt scary. Not only can laughter improve our problem-solving skills, but it can also help battle various diseases. Bowling Alley: Please be quiet. I eat cake because its someones birthday somewhere today. Here's some short funny affirmations that will hopefully brighten up your day. Forget the butterflies, I feel the entire zoo in my stomach when Im with you. There are no stupid questions, just stupid people. A bald spot is like a lie, the bigger it gets the harder it is to cover it up. You can write them down and use them whenever youre attending a social event or if you simply just want to make yourself laugh. If nothing is impossible is it possible for something to be impossible? Papercut: A trees final moment of revenge. I don't entertain negativity in any shape or form. I might take a nap if I get tired, but I wont quit. Gary Delaney Franklin Jones, 259. The biggest critics of my books are the people who never read them. I see the funny side of life more and more. Mental Style Project has been created as an outlet to guide you as you navigate through life, with the right tools and resources that will upgrade your life, enable you to take charge of your personal growth, and improve your wellness journey. It doesn't make sense to dwell on things you can't do anything about. "Sometimes the best part of my job is that the chair swivels.". 146. Because seven ate nine. 239. Because they make up everything. My windows arent dirty, my dog is painting. "After 30, a body has a mind of its own.". I make people laugh, whether its with me or at me., 8. 107. Heres a giant list of funny affirmations to help you relax your mind with a little humor when youre stressed. 238. 179. 246. 47. How do trees access the internet? 28. With time, I have started to value more time. I am my childs greatest comfort. 145. People say you cant live without love, but I think oxygen is more important. With great power comes an even greater electricity bill. You may feel a little embarrassed and vulnerable. I love my computer because all my friends live inside it. I tell you what always catches my eye. 142. 229. Also read: 70+ Positive Affirmations For Teens From Parents. Yes, of course, I am athletic, I surf the Internet every day. It's why you may feel excinervous (aka excited and nervous at the same time). Robert Bloch ~ Bill Gates. A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours. God's promises are here to give you perfect peace, good news, renew your strength and reveal the will of God in your life. 101. Dont worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet. Your mind will naturally focus more on the positive things that happen that day rather than the negatives. My son is now an entrepreneur. Never judge a book by its movie. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wifes mother. Stop trying to make everyone happy. 61. If the funny affirmations that Ive put together dont break your cool, then feel free to throw on a comedy special on Netflix or Youtube when you feel stressed. I dont need you to remind me of my age at work, I have a bladder that will do that for me., 8. But then again so does . A mind is like a parachute. No matter how bad it gets Im always rich when I go to the dollar store. 196. Seeing a spider in my room isnt scary. Why become moody when you can shake your booty. 18 Funny Positive Affirmations. 6. Always remember youre unique, just like everyone else. Be like a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet from inside. I love my computer because all my friends live inside it. Revenge sounds so mean, thats why I prefer to call it Returning the favor.. Affirmations can either be written down, spoken out loud, or visualized in the form of a conversation between money and you. I love my job only when Im on vacation. Putting up with others shit isnt on my To-Do list today. I just wanted you to know that somebody cares. Whenever I clean my closet I take a GPS with me, so I can find my way back. Im not insulting you. - Kyle Chandler. 243. I will smile while I still have my teeth. My mind is becoming much sharper. I dont need anger management, you just need to stop making me angry. A backbone. Quotes To Inspire You (MLK), 80 Life Gets Better Quotes To Brighten Your Day (Hope), 50 Bad Luck Quotes When You Feel Ill-Fated. Making everyone angry, piece of cake. I can believe in myself for 5 minutes. I am grateful for the healing power of humor. Monday I shall slay thee with me mighty cup of coffee. 63. And their purpose certainly isn't to minimize hard feelings. If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito. Betty Reese, 9. 3. 205. Relax, its the weekend, just dont blink or it will be all over. And a funny bone. I am so worthy so that I am filling the life of people with fun and joy. 74. I really should do something with my life, maybe tomorrow. We have divided these daily funny affirmations in these sections; Also check out our post ondaily affirmations for womenandaffirmations for menthat can help you to feel motivated and reshape your limiting beliefs. Not me, but somebody does. If we shouldnt eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge? 161. 252. 67. We have a connection. If you steal from one author, its plagiarism; if you steal from many, its research. 54. When our phones fall, we panic; but when our friends fall, we laugh. 141. Whatever you must do todaydo it with the confidence of a 4-year-old in a Batman cape., 2. Affirmations for wealth can be a great way of getting your thoughts in order and creating a positive outlook. Paul Ehrlich, 241. Go to bed with satisfaction.". I believe in what's possible for me. My past is just a bad book that deserves to be in the trash. 272. Bill Murray If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blanket back to your side. 68. 78. I put my phone in airplane mode, but its not flying. 26. Lily Tomlin, 242. Be strong, I whispered to my WiFi signal. So, you promise yourself from tomorrow on, youll be starting your days using affirmations. My diet for today: 1% food, 99% Halloween candy. Read next: 45 Self-Compassion Affirmations to Practice when Feeling Low. Are these genes in your jeans or are you just happy to see me? My boss is like a baby, screams and wakes me up every half hour. Sincerely, yourself., 2. 73. I understand success cant happen overnight. 165. 31. By waking up and repeating this mantra, you will set the tone for the day. I am constantly growing and improving. Infographic: Why Do People Swipe Right (or Left) on Tinder. Actually, you dont have to imagine. The world needs people like me to keep things interesting! Life is like a very long TV show, without a remote control. I tried looking at the bright side of life, but it hurt my eyes. I have no time to worry; I have to be awesome., 15. "Disconnect to connect.". I didnt want to interrupt her. 85. - Unknown. 153. The most important thing to remember when using positive affirmations is that it is all about how you feel. We all have different and distinctive senses of humor thats what makes us such unique individuals. 95. Who says nothing is impossible? "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.". I wasnt mad, but now that you asked me 7 times if Im mad.. yes, Im mad! I give over my anxiety to God, knowing His peace will protect my heart and mind. 97. 31. My jokes do. Hence, avoid using past or future tenses. I rescued some beer that was trapped in a bottle. When you leave work on Friday, leave work. 'Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.'. 3. Still, you need to embrace each of these surprises with same positive conviction and appreciation. 70. It will warm you twice unknown. Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? 93. I have a lot to offer. 163. 135. 29. Be strong, I whispered to my WiFi signal. Ken Dodd, 255. If nothing is impossible is it possible for something to be impossible? Your brain will only ever optimally respond to positive present tense affirmations such as " I am calm .". 189. Not saying I hate you, but if your face was on fire and I had a glass of water, Id drink it. Walter Bagehot. I can do this. Heres a list of funny affirmations that will improve your mood instantly. I overcome fears by following my dreams. I hate Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, and half of Fridays. Thats what youre called when you dont have a job. Dear universe, Im totally open to all of the amazing things coming my way., See also: 120 Best Spiritual Universe Quotes To Contemplate Life. Whenever I am sad I go to my favorite place, the fridge. 130. I am just making myself capable enough to live in the moment. Subscribe To Our Newsletter! Not me, but somebody does. Plus, youre never gonna become funny and charismatic by being afraid to speak your mind. I say what I want and i dont care what everyone else thinks about it. 112. If you want to catch a squirrel just climb a tree and act like a nut. If you just want to keep reading, then heres some affirmations about the funny side of friendship. Its a door, thats how they work. 86. My silence spoke a thousand words, but you never heard them. 272. Steve Martin Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you. As an Amazon Associate we earn from qualifying purchases. "What doesn't kill you makes your drinks stronger.". 80. We all have baggage, find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack. A person with a great sense of humor is also more likable. Im not lazy, Im just very relaxed. 100. The great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. The rest are too expensive. You were too lazy to read that number. 222. Check out our funny affirmation selection for the very best in unique or custom, handmade pieces from our encouragement cards shops. Shoot for the moon. P.D. Ive made it from the bed to the couch. Why is England the wettest country? I am sorry not everyone will have the pleasure of knowing me., 14. For the best seat in the house, youll have to move the dog. Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love. Every weekend I do what I love most, absolutely nothing. 216. 7. 9. Effective pushing often involves poop. 40. 164. 230. "You have to be odd to be number one.". Its a door, thats how they work. Confidence makes me powerful. 55. Pleasing everyone, thats impossible. In life, sometimes you just need to break the tension with a little humor. Stop playing with me., 6. Send me the link. And, it doesnt have to be hard or complicated! 192. They allow you to focus on the positive and what is working in your life rather than dwelling on the negative. The thing is, I am still getting ready. 96. The following is the list of some humorous affirmations for you: I am doing all the amazing things because I am an amazing human being. Your eyes water when you yawn, because you miss your bed and it makes you sad. You can be positive and yet be funny and easy-going. 124. 60. 96. Today, I am thankful for this week. ";s:7:"keyword";s:24:"short funny affirmations";s:5:"links";s:625:"Examples Of Intermolecular Forces In Everyday Life,
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